Hell is Here, and Men Created it.

That year it seemed as though the earth had finally spun off its axis and was in free fall. That year it was as if every conceivable human madness, sickness and depravity was proliferating, multiplying by binary and quaternary fission, growing exponentially at a dizzying rate. That year, of the senseless ego driven wars.

 

 

 

 

 

The wars within wars in which women’s bodies were the battle ground, the year babies and children were brutally raped with impunity, the year state sanctioned rape (falsely called marriage) of girls was lobbied for in a parliament somewhere on this planet, the year that Damini in India, Anene Booysen in Cape Town, Stephanie in Zimbabwe, Zanele in Sowetho and thousands of other girls and women were gang raped and then killed, for good measure. The year that Steubenville Ohio became famous for its rapist star football player, and  the crooked, perverted hyper- masculinity silently condoned in male college sports was exposed.

 

photo by: Prudence Mabele, S.Africa

That year when Saudi men traded money for 8 year old Syrian girls from refugee camps in the shameful, hideous farce they termed marriage.

 

 

 

The year that an 8 year old child died on her "wedding night" from hemorrhage after a 40 year old brute shoved himself inside her. What sick monster looks at a child and sees a wife? What sick bastard looks at a prepubescent 8 year old, 3 year old, 6 month old female body, gets sexually aroused and then proceeds to rape a child, a toddler, a baby?

 

 

 That is the year livestock died and drinking water supplies came under threat from toxic chemicals, thanks to fracking.

 



 

 

 

The year blood diamonds became even bloodier and gold, platinum copper, uranium  cobalt and the dreaded Coltan, were mined on and through the backs and bodies of women, using children for cheap labor and for militia, who burned villages and raped their own mothers, sisters, grandmothers. These militia destroy lives and livelihoods to get at the minerals to feed gluttinous corporations.

 



That year that saw uprisings and under risings, over risings and the biological agent saran used on innocent civilians in Syria.



photo: BBC World News victims of Saran poisoning

 

That year when in a town in China, pollution levels were so high a haze of black particles hung in the air and people had to breath in that mess.
That year that sanctions were imposed on rogue nations in daylight, and arms deals were made with them in the dark of night. That year when presidents preached peace and prosperity over dinner and wine just a few hours after those hands shoveling food into big mouths had signed declarations of war and nuclear arms deals. That year when Egypt, then Libya, followed by Turkey and then Syria all occupied our minds, our Facebook Feeds and Twitter, and our living rooms, while Congo burnt, Congo was ravaged, Congolese women screamed and howled and wailed as they were laid out, a tragic wasteland of a war they knew nothing about.

 

 

 

 That year when all creatures great and small stood still, startled by the heavy smells of toxic gases, and the sting of acid rain dissolving their pelts. They were startled by the overwhelming stench of decaying bodies, humans extinguished by hunger, by poverty and disease, by decaying infrastructure, by men whose raging fury was enough to ignite the Masai Mara and lay it out; a flat wasteland of charred bones and smoldering stones. Instead, that fury obliterated women and children. That rage tore them up and tossed them out for vultures to fight over. That insane inferno of anger incinerated thousands and thousands of women, children, and those men who made the choice to stand with their families.

School children in Egypt praying for peace, NY Times

 That is the year the daughters of  Egypt put their hands together in prayer and supplication, beseeching Allah for peace, while their fathers, grandfathers, uncles and brothers went on the rampage.

 

 

 

That is the year we felt the heat. That is the year the hairs on our skin were singed and we woke up. We woke up to the smell of smoke, skin and hair- and the realization that we were past small protests and small time legislation. That is the year we woke up to the fact that unless we united, unless we created a Billion-strong wall of womanity, a wall so thick and so dense it needed no cement but that one thing that cements us all together across age, race, gender, nation, tribe, sect, religion, sexual orientation, class, north, south east west, island mainland, first nation, second, third and fourth nation… Being human, above all else..Unless we stood in global solidarity, we were doomed and so was the planet and all that is in and on it.

US military in Afghanistan

 

DRC

For how long would we continue to live with the smell of acrid smoke burning our airways as we shouted for reproductive rights, for human rights, for justice and accountability as though we were children begging benevolence and indulgence from an egotistical parent? For how long would we continue to tell our daughters to “cover up”, to be a lady, to subdue and submit and subsume their true selves and to shut up, in order to avoid getting raped or beaten or left sitting on the bench while their peers got married? For how long were we to plod on in penury and substandard housing in the prisons they call ghettos and reservations,

First Nation Wind River Reservation, Wyoming

prisons whose chief warden is a guy named Poverty? For how long would we live in fear of the hell that was fast encroaching upon us?

 Photo: BBC world news. Shacks burnt down in Alexandra township, Johannesburg.

UN Refugee camp Congo

First Nation Wind River Reservation, Wyoming

 

First Nation Wind River Reservation, Wyoming



Hell? Yes hell. Hell is that devouring conflagration and it is here. Hell is right here on this planet and men created it. There, I said it, so sue me. Lock me up and throw away the key, because I really don’t care. It makes no difference to the fact that my jail cell is one small space in the huge prison humanity currently inhabits.

 But here are some questions: Are we really going to go down like that? Are we really going to sit in our little cages and wait for hell to take us over?

 

 

 

 Are we going to continue pushing papers around on our desks in the name of “development and empowerment work” the same work that has kept us preoccupied for decades with no lasting fruit to show for it? Are we going to continue to write proposals for donor funding and once again beg for what is rightfully ours? Are we going to continue to debate the undebatable, to negotiate the non- negotiable issues pertaining to our bodies and what we do with them? Does it not sound absurd? How did we even get here, to this point where the bodies which house our spirits have been outsourced to someone else? How is it that men legislate about women's bodies as a political issue? When did women's bodies become a political landscape, shaped by whatever crazy male-dominated government comes into power?



When did women's bodies become things; play-things, toys, commodities, collateral, sacrifices, compensation, breeding machines, conduits for all the hatred in the world? And where are our spirits while our bodies are under the Occupation?

 

Image: From Flickr (domestic violence)

 

 

 

 



We need to get our bodies back and the only way to do this is to get back into our bodies and to fight everyday for every woman who has fled the hell that her body finds itself in, to reenter and take it back. This can happen through dance.

 

 

One Billion Rising, 2013, City of Joy, Congo

 

Dance is a form of assertiveness. Dance is defiance. Dance is revolution. Dance dispels darkness. A dancing body says I am here, I am taking up space. A dancing woman is in control of her body and  her movements are determined by her and her alone. As she hears the music her spirit interprets it and instructs her body to move as it will. As the music provokes, stimulates, begs, beckons and facilitates the re-entry of herself into her body, she feels, she pulsates and she lets it all go. IT is anything that has hindered her spirit from comfortably inhabiting her body.  IT is that thing, those hurts, those violations and injustices that made her spirit flee her body to begin with. The re -entry of her spirit necessitates the exit of those impostor- issues which occupy that which does not belong to them. Light and darkness cannot live in the same house. As the Light of her spirit returns home, it dispels the darkness of the horror and trauma she has suffered and carried.

 

Image: Tony Stroebel

 

 Dance brings healing, strength, courage and peace. When we dance together, an amazing power is unleashed. We dispel our collective impostor- issues and together we re-enter our bodies, our homes. Imagine then what this might look like: Billions of sister- spirits returning to reclaim their space inside their bodies, their individual lights combining to create one huge glowing ember across the entire planet. imagine the power unleashed and the collective courage, strength and peace. Imagine the collective resolve to fight fiercely against the violence that annihilates women and cripples children.

 Imagine the collective purpose to stem the environmental degradation due to greed, greed and more greed. Imagine the end of slogan- shouting and petition- signing, because we no longer ask or petition any institution for anything, but we demand and we take that which is ours by virtue of being citizens of this planet. Imagine rendering useless institutions powerless by not endorsing them through our votes or patronage.

One Billion Rising, 2013, Phillipines

Are those of us who are activists not tired of shouting, picketing signing petitions and “breaking the silence”? Ok we have broken the silence. Yes we have and we have even made some good strides towards ending violence against women and girls. But is this not the time for huge strides enormous, global -sized strides? Is this not the time for Global mass action and a concerted heave towards Justice in all her myriad forms? Is this not the time to “throw everything at it”, to lose ourselves totally in the struggle so that we may find ourselves and save ourselves? As far as I can tell, the only savior I see is us, ourselves and the men who love us, who love our children, who love life. As far as I can see, we have tried everything to right the wrongs in our world, but I believe it is time to do something different in order to get the world we want to live in and to leave as legacy to our children. The time is now because we are at the brink. Global Mass Action. It was conceived, envisioned, and brought to life in 2013.

One Billion Rising, 2013 Indonesia

One Billion Rising was that global mass action that catalyzed visible action in 207 countries, in order to bring the issue of violence against women front and center of national, international and global discourse. One Billion rising created a huge wave of energy and awareness and for the One Billion Rising campaign this time around, we will ride that wave towards Justice, the quest and goal for this current campaign.

 

One Billion Rising for Justice 2014 will bring together in solidarity and for the mutual cause of Justice, women and men from all sectors and all walks of life in all countries to Rise and be seen and heard. We will push en masse for change, each nation pushing to end their unique injustices in ways that are most effective for them, but cemented to the global sisterhood. This is the hope I see. Desperate times call for huge vision, for courageous creativity and the audacity to dare, to leap in faith and to carry that torch of hope for victory, for Lady JUSTICE! 

 

 

No More silence. Our  silence will not protect us. " If we do not scream, they will kill us and say that we enjoyed it."

*Dancing in defiance of darkness*
Barbs

 

Young African Woman of Note- August 2013, Nyasha Sengayi

Nyasha Sengayi



This month I am proud to introduce you to one of those amazing young women, who work quietly without seeking attention or accolades, Nyasha. I first became aware of 28 year old Nyasha as one of the young women who visited the online portal Her Zimbabwe, a space where women come together to share stories, to comment and give voice to their opinions on a myriad issues that are part and parcel of the Zimbabwean Feminine experience. Nyasha was one of those whose comments caught my attention because clearly she wore the courage of her convictions very comfortably and she displayed a passion for zero tolerance towards violence against women.

My assessment of Nyasha as a young woman who cared deeply about the plight of women both in Zimbabwe and around the world was confirmed when one day, she visited the One Billion Rising Zimbabwe page on Face Book, just after the gang rape and mutilation of a Young Indian woman in December 2012. I blogged it here. Her rage and pain at this atrocious crime jumped off her post on FB and in it she stated that she had to do something.

 

“I have stopped crying and talking about Nirbhaya for now; at least for the few days that I will be running around to fight for her memory even in Zimbabwe. This is a promise to everyone who is upset about the issue, I will not sleep until what I want to do is done with my other sisters from other mothers. Watch this space. The time to stop talking has come. When I’m done with success, I will sit down and cry for her and all the other women we do not know about who have gone through similiar experiences....#Hope Alive 2013”  December 29, 2012.

Well, I watched the space and sure enough, on January 4, a memorial gathering for the deceased 23 year old medical student, organized by Nyasha and some of her colleagues took place at the Embassy of India in Harare. Here are some pictures.

The Indian Ambassador to Zimbabwe

Members of the Zimbabwe- Indian community

 

 

Nyasha at extreme left

Nyasha had become a regular visitor to the One Billion Rising Zimbabwe Face Book page and while I had been keeping it alive from my computer in the States, we desperately needed someone to start mobilizing on the ground. Nyasha’s ability to make a decision, to create a plan of action and then to execute was the reason I approached her and asked her if she would mobilize for the OBR Campaign in Zimbabwe. We skyped and she shared her ideas for the Rising and got to work immediately. Her creativity and wealth of ideas blew me away.From a road show, to spoken word and traditional dance, Nyasha encountered many obstacles as she tried to get various groups involved. She was tenacious in her efforts and after hitting many a brick wall, she found a few willing helpers and on February 14, 2013, Zimbabwe had a Rising at the Zimbabwe Art Gallery in Harare. Here are some pictures.

Miss Nyasha giving opening remarks at the Zim Rising 2013



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Done and dusted! And she walks on proud!

In March, Nyasha was invited to the American Embassy to speak to a group about the issue of Violence against women in Zimbabwe.

 

Nyasha doing what she does best.

She became involved in a campaign to find the rapists and murderers of 10 year old Stacey Munjoma who had been found abandoned in a field in Harare.

Stacey was found in the banana field on left. Crowd on the right headed to burial place.

  She and others availed themselves to the family to the deceased girl and held a memorial service for her also.

Mourners at the funeral carrying placards in protest 

Since then, Nyasha continues to be vocal on the issue of violence against women. She is an avid reader and eager student as she explores and defines her role in the women’s movement and what her feminism is about. She is also the founder of Source International Zimbabwe, an organization that seeks to create a global platform for women to resolve local challenges through movement building. It was founded in October 2012 with the aim of scaling up campaign- based programming for women’s rights and ultimately brings new and relevant action to the cause. Source is inspired by responsive citizens who are willing to stand against any form of violence against women

 

She has worked in the young women’s movement for the past three years and has a passion in exploring global issues affecting women. Her work is premised on opening space for effective Advocacy and Lobbing through Visual Documentation and Campaign Based Programming on the general status of Women in Zimbabwe.

She is also a writer and poet working on promoting the participation of women in telling their own stories through writing.

This year, Nyasha is the regional coordinator for the One Billion Rising for Justice, 2014. The focus of the campaign is justice for victims of violence and what this means in the Zimbabwean context.

 

Personally I am moved by the depth of passion that Nyasha has for ending violence against women and her commitment to giving voice to issues that affect women in Zimbabwe. She displays amazing leadership qualities, is creative in her problem solving strategies and gives of her time and resources with a generosity that is simply astounding. She is one to watch because I am confident that she will go far and will take other young women along with her.

Nyasha was involved in mobilizing young Zimbabweans to register to vote in the July 2013 elections

 

 Thank you Nyasha for all you do despite the challenging environment in which you operate. Thank you for being a fierce warrior woman, activist, spiritual being and role model. I hope that all who read this blog will be inspired by you. If there is one thing I associate with you it is your generosity of spirit, something I have only ever encountered in a few.  Here is one of my favorite quotes from Nyasha:

This picture is evocative of the Nyasha I have come to know: generous. Sharing playtime with a friend.

“In practice, intimidation is much more dangerous than physical violence. Who can set free an entire population of minds ridden with fear?" Nyasha Sengayi
 

Go on Nyasha, kick some serious **s! the world awaits you !

On Solidarity or Separatism- as We Look Ahead

 

I have been pondering deeply this last week on an issue that I think requires some serious attention. I believe it requires those of us who call ourselves feminists to think about what it is we really want. That question in and of itself is a broad question and one could argue that there are as many “wants” as there are feminists. Granted, however we are a group called feminists because somewhere along the line we realized that what we wanted as individuals might not be all that different one to the other. So a collective exists in which we have identified key common desires or objectives to work towards, but not to the exclusion or denigration of individual goals and choices. That for me is what feminism is in simple terms. So back to the what do we want question: I believe that what we want is to see the end of Patriarchy, its structures, institutions and cultural /social constructs, which have resulted in the disenfranchisement of women.  This is the simple definition. We can take this a step further and say that we want to dismantle patriarchy and its structures which have disenfranchised, enslaved and impoverished, women, people of color and which perpetuates a subculture of poverty and dependency in poor communities of color We want an end to racism which in many ways is an extension of patriarchy, and we want to see justice and basic human rights for all people. I would say that sums up feminism as I understand it.

The One Billion Rising Campaign culminated in on February 14, 2013, a day that I certainly will always remember as the one day in history in which women all over the globe stood together against one evil that threatens our lives and the life of this planet: Violence against women and rape. What this global campaign showed me is this: that when women set their minds to do something, we do it and we exceed our own expectations and shock the hell out of our detractors.

That having been said, the organizing and pulling off of such a stunt takes huge effort and resources, and requires impeccable communication and co- operation among and between the various stakeholders and grassroots organizations that sign up to this. I am still in awe as I watch video footage from all over the world and I get goosebumps when I imagine what was loosed into the universe that day. For me that “thing” that was set free is hope. I have real hope that if women are willing and determined, we can change this world. We can dismantle patriarchy, a tottering old geyser that is clinging on for dear life. We can heave this monstrosity into the abyss once and for all. But only if we want to, only if we choose to, only if we stop bickering, stop holding grudges, stop maligning the work of others stop and take ownership of our failings, and stop being combative in our efforts at resolving our internal conflicts, .

I have been saddened as have many of my fellow globally oriented feminist sisters, at the mean spirited rhetoric and lack of goodwill coming from certain quarters, particularly women of color. Sure without a doubt many mistakes were made, many issues were overlooked and perhaps there was poor planning and communication in the process towards One billion Rising 2013. Many things may have been overlooked because of the sheer size of the campaign and the fact that each region of the world interpreted the Vision differently. The whole idea of dance as a form of protest was repulsive to some but liberating to others and the fact that millions/billion turned out to participate is a good indication that there was a critical mass who truly believed. Those who did not said as much and some still believed in the Rising enough to create alternative activities. All this was welcome, embraced and found a place in OBR. However, to want to characterize what were genuine errors as wilful acts of evil, to then refuse genuine apologies and overtures to make things right for now and for the future says to me that there is a lack of goodwill, and I would go further to add that there is a certain willingness to stay in the victim pool, pointing fingers and yelling “White Savior Industrial Complex” [a male coined term BTW] at V-day and the OBR originators. This says to me that solidarity is not what some women of color are seeking because when offered an opportunity to represent their people, they refuse and state that it is going against their integrity and selling their souls for money and prestige. WOW!  To then proceed to call an individual who tries to do her part in improving the conditions of women around the world a white supremacist /colonial feminist leaves me with the sickening realization that: while some of us toil tirelessly for solidarity, others are busy unravelling the work. One esteemed sister of color  stated:
 "I'm becoming very tired with us "women of colour" taking more issue with white women than with patriarchy, which is the true oppressor. Of course, racial prejudice needs tackling but the stance of *war* is not the way to go about it. Just like it isn't with men. The 1 billion rising scandals made me feel real sad, as like with the slutwalks black women were condemning it even before it had happened. Sure, we can, and should, be critical, but constructively not just for the sake of it! "

What I have found lacking in the way women deal with one another are effective and constructive ways of conflict resolution. Yes we will make mistakes, yes we will fight and not always agree. However we have a tendency to ‘throw the baby out with the bath water’ disengage, instead of looking at the situation to see how best to resolve it, and also to be honest and recognize our own shortcomings in the whole mess.

It would appear that many sisters of color have lost sight of what we are fighting: Patriarchy, NOT white women. Sure many white feminists do not understand us, and many really don’t care to. However or vision cannot be so jaundiced as to not be able to recognize those who is genuinely seeking to understand, to stand with us and fight shoulder to shoulder in our struggles, or offer any assistance that we require. Sisters of color need to ask themselves a basic question especially when throwing around terms like “Whites Savior Industrial Complex”, which further states that they support brutal policies in the morning. When the Republicans repealed the Violence against women act (VAWA) late last year in the US, it was White feminists who fought hard who demonstrated and made huge amount of noise to have it re-instated. Many groups of women of color did too, but let’s face it on our own that law would not have come back. Why? Because the women most affected by VAWA are marginalized women of color and the part that was a sticking point was whether perpetrators of violence who were caught on Native American reservations committing violence were to be judged by the courts of the reservation or in conventional courts. In other words white men who raped Native American women on their reservations would be tried in the usual courts and of course probably get a lighter sentence than if tried in the tribal court system. This to me is solidarity and runs contrary to the definition of the white savior complex being in support of brutal policies. So why, as women of color are we choosing to use this term out of its original context and in order to cause harm to an organization run for and by women?

 

 

Patriarchy, not white women is our problem. Neither are all privileged white women or all privileged women of color the problem. Patriarchy is the problem. Many women use their position of privilege to assist their less privileged sisters and so it should be. However it is important that we all meet somewhere in the middle. The quote below has a middle sentence which I disagree with.

 It is our collective responsibility, privileged, unprivileged, rich, poor to educate one another on how the world has become such a mess. We should all be prepared to take part in difficult conversations that challenge all of us, if we are serious about real change. If we are playing politics and trying to undermine embarrass and ridicule one another then that is quite different. To expect white feminists to carry the burden of learning about the struggles of each and every disenfranchised group of women on this planet is madness. In order to reach a point of cultural awareness sensitivity and competence, we have to teach and be open to those who genuinely seek to learn. Yes I know we know most of what there is to know about whiteness because the whiteness construct is all pervasive and the white narrative is the dominant as history has shown us. However we need to move beyond this and when we as women of color get opportunities to share to use our voices then instead of being snide, we need to shout and scream our stories, so none can claim they did not hear. There are alternative and diverse narratives and we who own these narratives also have a responsibility to share them. But if we are closed and unwelcoming then we cannot turn around and complain that mainstream feminism takes no interest in what minority women have to say. We also need to question our motives for being cold and welcoming and ask exactly were this will takes us as a group. Of what benefit is it to name all and to write open letters that really only do one thing: humiliate and diminish another. Genuine critique and a desire to make progress will not happen through toxic "open letters". In fact those letters have a tendency to put people off, even those who would otherwise be supportive of a genuine grievance.

I learned a new term this last week: Cupcake feminism. The analogy is that the cake part is white and there are colored sprinkles on the frosting. In other words, there is this idea that women of color are being used by white feminist organizations as ‘token’ people of color so as to legitimize the organization’s claims to diversity and inclusion. Personally I think that is a stupid term because I do not see any right thinking woman of color agreeing to being a token and being in a position in which she has no real power or voice. Many people who find themselves in this position will eventually see the through the sherade and leave. It is actually quite condescending to believe that women of color would fall for a cheap unintelligent trick like that.

 

 

So back to my question: Can there be solidarity among and between the various feminist groups around the world? My personal response is a resounding yes. I want to keep believing in this but I also what to acknowledge the autonomy of each diverse group and stress that while we can be in solidarity with one another, our issues are too varied to expect us to merge synchronously at all times. There will be clashes mistakes and fights and arguments. It is how we deal with these that will keep us cohesive or tear us apart. We need to acquire the skills that will allow us to move ahead. As my papa Ikhide Ikheloa said to me in our therapy session earlier today: " Better is the woman who does good and makes mistakes, than the woman who does nothing and makes no mistakes."

For those who think separatism is the only way: good luck. Just please take your begging bowls home and don’t keep asking for money from “the white saviors”. Do it all your selves and all the best. Do not whine about being "marginalized", because you choose this state of affairs.

 Just remember that we share a common foe: PATRIARCHY.

 

One Billion Rising and thinking out loud: On Sex Education and the Dreaded M word

 

I recently wrote a paper for a southern African journal of feminism and although I am not at liberty to share the contents of the article on my blog, there is one nagging issue that research for this paper brought to the fore. It is the issue of sex education in young people.

One Billion Rising was a campaign that sought to bring the issue of violence against women front and center of discourse and to bring it out from under the umbrella of feminist issue to a humanist issue. This I firmly believe is the only way in which violence against women will be eradicated; when it becomes a human rather than a women’s issue. In other words women may be at the fore front of campaigns to end rape and domestic violence, however men need to be visible in this fight in huge numbers. In fact, I am now of the firm belief that women can find quick ‘band-aid’ type solutions to the problem of the violence that threatens to annihilate them, but I believe it is men who will ultimately push the frontier so that violence becomes an anomaly rather than a cultural norm.

In thinking about the issue of rape, it also occurred to me as I wrote this paper that sex education is practically non- existent. By this I mean that an education that seeks to assist girls and boys in understanding that they are sexual beings, and that sexual activity is supposed to be pleasurable to both men and women does not really exist.

 

 For example in initiation ceremonies across the globe, young women are taught that they are to be good wives and that their bodies are for the sole pleasure of their future husbands. In fact many have no idea what their external (let alone internal sex organs) look like or what each part is for.Girls are not taught that their bodies, the vagina, with its glorious nubbin of millions of nerve endings called the clitoris, are actually there, not for some boy or man to take pleasure from, but for themselves as girls/women to give themselves pleasure.

 

The media bombards girls with images and story lines like: "10 ways to keep your man begging for more".  The result is that many girls truly believe that in order to be popular they must give the best oral sex to boys (yes here in the States girls as young as 11 have been caught giving oral sex to boys on school buses and feeling very pleased with themselves for delivering “the best service”).  The topic of masturbation is one which even in so called liberal societies still make people cringe. But I would argue that if young women were brought up to be totally comfortable with their bodies and also to know how to pleasure themselves, we might have less of the martyr-esque sexual liasions that young girls often find themselves engaged in, all for the wrong reasons and with awful consequences to their self esteem.

 

The same would apply to boys, however the standards as usual are different. Boys masturbate and it is an accepted albeit frowned upon (or not openly discussed fact). What would be real education are classes in which boys were taught the anatomy of women and also the fact that sex is not meant as a selfish “let me get mine “ act, but a give and take in which they should consider the satisfaction of their partner. If boys were taught to view girls as human beings with the same sexual urges as they have and to understand that sex is more fulfilling when it is reciprocal, I like to think that we would have less violent sex towards girls and less degrading scenarios in which girls are used as sperm receptacles and nothing more.

What one would then hope to cultivated in young people is a mutual desire to see the other fulfilled and therefore sexual experiences that take into account what another might find unacceptable, desirable or downright painful.

Many boys first encounter with sex is through watching porn, which has become more and more violent in its depictions of women. If this is where boys are learning about sex between men and women, and girls are being taught that their sole purpose in life is to give pleasure to their future husbands, then is it any wonder that boys don’t really know what rape is and girls think that once a boy is turned on then they have to consummate the sex act whether they like it or not?

My point is this: we cannot teach young people what rape is unless and until we teach them what is NOT rape. Until there is a clear understanding that women are sexual beings with the same needs and desires as men, then the culture in which women are brutalized for male satisfaction will continue. Until a woman understands that it is critical that she knows her body and knows what turns her on before she places herself in the hands of another, then she is at risk of becoming victim to what the other thinks is good sex, and this is a standard over which she will have no control.

Until boys are socialized to see that it is normal, acceptable and desirable to show an open interest in issues affecting women, then we continue to breed men who have no understanding of what it is to be a woman and therefore have no empathy for what women need or do not want. Until society stops mocking and vilifying boys for enjoying what are considered feminine pursuits and until society breaks down the gender stereotypes that define maleness as aggressive, non-crying, non- emotional, hard and tough, then women will always be vulnerable to men who do not have the ability to step into their shoes and get a feel for what violence does to a woman. Until society stops creating these gender distinctions whereby “girls cry, girls are weak and fragile”, then once again women remain vulnerable to the brutish boys we are breeding.

 

I think one of the most important issues to come out of the OBR campaign is that of authentic sex education, and initiation rituals that edify and strengthen the position of girls rather than weaken and cripple them, rendering them victims before they have even begun their sexual lives. Female genital mutilation is one such initiation practice and it has to GO!! It serves absolutely no purpose other than to remove that which would give a girl or woman sexual pleasure, thereby denying her this basic and fundamental biological right forever. There is nothing more heart breaking than to meet a woman of my age who has had 3 children but has never had an orgasm, or even a tremor. There is nothing more demoralizing than to meet 17 year olds who dread their first sex act because they have been infibulated and live with a visceral fear of marriage and bearing children. I meet these women every week and every week I hear variations to the same horrific stories about lives damaged by FGM.

 

 

As we tackle the issue of rape, let us also work to educate girls and boys about sex and reciprocity before the porn industry with its current objectification and degradation of women gets to them and sets the standard. We cannot lose our children to violence and if we do not get in with good education as parents, mentors community leaders and schools, then violence against women and the broken men that perpetrate the violence are here to stay.

 Oh and perhaps we need a new name to replace the word masturbation. How about: Self- centric pleasure?